Battling addictions I didn’t realize I had
Have you ever been at a place in your life where you looked around and thought “What the hell am I doing?” I feel like I asked myself that question for years. I started out as a pre-teen feeling very insecure and just uncomfortable in my skin. I was 13 years old when I started using things outside of myself to help me feel “ok”. I wasn’t “depressed”. Just always feeling that there was something “over there”.
I met my oldest son’s dad when I was in 8th grade. He was a known pot head and was currently in alternative school for fighting. Sign me up! I always had a desire to try drugs and alcohol but was never around anyone that did either one. I was introduced to J**** through my cousin whom was dating my best friend at the time. At first I was not allowed to talk to him but after continually asking if he could come over for a double date movie night, mom eventually just gave in.
Not long after that night he began sneaking over after everyone was in the bed and it didn’t take long for us to start having sex. I instantly became addicted and it became an almost every night thing. Obviously, we were going to be together forever because sex equals love. Right?
Not long after the sex came the pills. I knew he had done drugs and he knew I had not but that I wanted to try. I stole some Xanax from my aunt and the next time he came over we did it together. “MHHMMM. This is the feeling I have been searching for.” I had arrived. I could relax. My shoulders instantly unclenched from beside my ears, I could take a nice, long, deep breath. And nothing mattered.
So, this was the beginning of my journey. Pill popping, sex addicted 13 year old little girl. I had no idea the choices I was making that early in my life would still have an impact on me today at 32.
I found out I was pregnant a month after my 16th birthday. By this time me and J**** were not allowed to see each other. My parents eventually had found out about the sneaking over and the drugs. (I am leaving out several details that I will get back to later) That was enough to make me stop everything. No more pills, no more pot, no more cigarettes. And I just knew that was going to be enough for J**** to grow up and save some money and support his family. Wrong. He continued to party. So that was enough for me to leave him. One of us had to get our shit together and considering I was the one carrying the child then it was up to me. So I did……for a while.