I have been going through a period in my life where I continue to put expectations on my husband that have failed me every single time. I am a very emotionally immature woman. I understand that. I am very needy. I understand that too. But on top of those already known facts is the added hormones I have been dealing with for the infertility treatments I have been undergoing. (more on that at a later time)
I know that it is not a very masculine characteristic to be “emotional” and me and my husband have had the conversation multiple times about him not being the emotional type. So where does that leave me? I realize how this can come off as me just being a big ol’ tit but when I go through these periods they are very real to me. That’s why it has been so difficult for me to just use the excuse “it’s the hormones”.
So after this past month when I have sought emotional stability from my spouse and did not get what I thought was a proper response, little by little I have started placing blocks back into that emotional wall I kept around me for most of my life. While I realize this could be unhealthy for myself individually and also for my relationship I can’t help but feel it is almost a necessity at the moment since I am having such a hard time managing my emotions.
The smallest thing can make me feel like my heart is physically breaking and my world is crumbling. But a few hours later I am laughing at the stupidest things. I feel like if I can bite my tongue in the heat of the moment and not blurt out what my baby feelings are screaming then it could save a lot of tension in the long run.
Don’t get me wrong my marriage is not a vail of tears and I do realize that there is definitely a long list of issues I need to work on. This is a big reason that I thought of starting this blog. I know I am not the only one that goes through rough patches in recovery. Shout out to all my emotionally unstable friends! But in the middle of the rough patch is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there. I’ve been in this tunnel plenty of times before and couldn’t even focus long enough to see the light, but it’s always there.
A few things that have helped me in the past that I know will help today if I am willing to put in the footwork: MAKING A GRATITUDE LIST(ie. living in a house versus a camper….not being strung out…..being employable), CALLING SOMEONE AND ASKING ABOUT THEIR DAY (AND NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE), CLEANING HOUSE (LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY) AND NOW READING BLOGS ABOUT RECOVERY.
Sometimes it is necessary to just sit with the emotion and letting it run it’s course without allowing it to attach. I hope this will be helpful to someone.
If you can relate like or comment.