Just the Beginning of Learning How to Live Without Substances
I’d like to sort of pick up where I left off with my post Struggling. I gave birth to my oldest son two months before my 17th birthday. He was the center of my universe. Everything I did was for him. I went to school and had a small (very small) paying job that went towards things for he needed. I very rarely asked my parents for help. I was going to prove the world wrong. But then I started getting lonely. Everyone at school was going out on the weekends and living life and I was jealous. So I started living a sort of double life.
During the day I was amazing teen mom! Went to school, went to work, came home took care of my baby, did my homework. But then when mom, dad, and siblings went to bed I had me time. I started snorting pills again. I needed that relaxation and escape from my reality. To block out everything my mind was screaming so I could get up the next morning and be responsible. Nobody noticed anything different because I was that determined and had that much motivation then.
And I was content with my life like that. I had goals I was working towards as far as a future for me and my son. I just needed that quite time at night to my self to recoup from the day. Then I was asked on a date from a guy at school that I had zero interest in. My friend talked me into saying yes and I actually had a pretty decent time. I won’t say there was an immediate connection but any type of one on one intimacy was fine with me at that point. Before my son I was having physical contact pretty much on a daily basis and then just stopped. I had “hooked up” with this one guy a few times after recovering from the C-section but started cut him off when he would leave me and go straight to another girl.
The guy didn’t touch me on that first date and I was so confused. He was respectful and accepting of me having a child. I wasn’t sure what to expect but he invited me and my son to eat a few days later and then over to his parents house to watch a movie. Well before you know it me and my son are either spending the night there or W**** is staying the night at my parents. I honestly did not really like the guy. But him and my son had an immediate connection and I had someone to be with me 24/7 so I was not alone. I felt stuck. That made for more pills!
I started college and didn’t do so great my first year. I failed a couple of my classes. I believe this was around the time I discovered Codeine. I was prescribed some medicine for my migraines that had it mixed in with some other things. Wow. I could take those during the day to give me energy to keep up with my duties for the day (and be happy while doing them) and take my downers at night to escape from my new level of unhappiness! I have found the answer!
Obviously it didn’t take long for it to be a noticeable problem. So the fights and arguments started between me and W*****. We even broke up for a brief few weeks when he found out I had cheated on him with one of my brother’s friends. I had also escalated to smoking weed on a regular basis and drinking occasionally. I would tell W***** he had to leave at night because I needed to study. Which was true but I always took a break to smoke with my brother and one night W***** was driving around my house and caught me. Red handed. That pushed me away and right into the bed with my brother’s friend.
And for those few weeks I tried so hard to get that guy to love me and be with me 24/7 like W**** and he just wouldn’t . He would come over at night sometimes but on the nights that he wouldn’t I would chase him. I made excuses for me and my son to stay at his house. And he eventually just straight up started ignoring me. So I went back to W****. And was absolutely miserable. I had to numb myself constantly. I had to stay with him because my son needed him in his life. His biological father never was involved and W****, as bad as I hated to admit it, stepped up and became a father at 19 years old to a child that he did not help conceive. So I was going to make it work with him for the sake of my son. I owed that to him.
W**** asked me to marry him a few months after we got back together and I had to say yes. I did not want a wedding but he did. So we planned a huge one. We bought a house and my and my son moved in a couple of months before the wedding. And that’s when things got really bad. We were fighting and arguing ALL the time. Then things started getting physical. I can remember the first time W**** put his hands on me. I had made him so paranoid about running off and cheating on him and doing drugs that he did not want me to leave the house. One day when he was leaving for work I was leaving for my parents to do laundry and he told me I couldn’t leave. I put my son and our laundry in the car and W**** stuck his arm in the car window as I was pulling out and slapped me. In front of my son. I was in shock. He was in shock that he had done it. We just stared at each other as I continued to drive away. I didn’t tell anyone and we didn’t talk about it. But it just progressed from there.
There were never any times where he just straight up used a closed fist and gave me black eyes but there was a lot of pushing and grabbing and choking and bruises. A few times he just would not stop yelling and cornering me so me and my son would walk next door and spend the night with the neighbor.
This all started before we even went through with the wedding. My dad was coming over several times a week while W**** was gone to work trying to convince me to just come back home. Things were bad. I was obviously unhappy. I had bruises all over my arms and legs. W**** was super controlling and obsessive. My sister was crying to me begging me not to go through with the wedding. They knew I was depressed and not in love. I started on anti depressants. And they just made me more out of it. I ended up in the hospital with alcohol poising at one point. Then W****’s mom talked me into entering a detox program at the hospital where she worked and I agreed. Thus started my long, hard journey at battling sobriety.