Working through the hurt
I had to take that long, emotional drive to take my daughter back this past Saturday. My husband told me yesterday “You’re handling it a lot better than usual.” It pissed me off when he said that because like I talked about in a recent post “Putting Back Up The Emotional Blocks” I am in the middle of weening myself off of my dependency of my husband. He thinks I am “handling it a lot better than usual” when really I am just not talking about it. I’ve formed some new resentments through all this. One being towards my daughter’s aunt. She is the one that has custody of my daughter. I worked the amends step on her when I was into AA and thought I’d gotten over it. But as time as went on and I have yet to have custody back of my daughter the resentment has resurfaced.
This morning when I was facetiming with my daughter before she left for school she called her aunt “mom”. She actually started calling her mom when she was in pre-school and me and D*** talked about it and she reassured me that she was correcting her when she would say it. Well, two years later and she is still allowing it. It was something I had come to just accept when she was smaller, with the mindset of “It’s just a name….She’s confused….She’s so young she will grow out of it.” My daughter will be 8 in February. If she hasn’t stopped doing it by now it’s stuck. Anyways, I heard D*** correct her this morning and I thought “You are only fucking saying that because I am on the phone.”
Now I will say that D*** has never told me no whenever I have asked to get my daughter for a visit. There have a couple of misunderstandings about the dates but she allows me to come get her whenever I ask. And I also get to talk to her everyday. A lawyer that I’ve met with told me that is a lot compared to some of his clients. And if I pushed anything more I might be hit with back child support. Either way, I was explaining that to bring up this next thing. She doesn’t know if she is going to allow her to come back up while she is out for Christmas break. I did not ask for Christmas Day since I had her last year. But I did ask for the day after Christmas until she goes back to school. D***’s response was “I’ll have to talk with Tim about that.” Tim is my daughter’s dad and D***’s brother.
It really is not fair. This man was a terrible person when we were together. He introduced me to IV drug use and would take me to sleep with old men to get drugs. Now I know that I had a voice and could have said no but he is still a piece of shit in my eyes for sticking that needle in my arm the first time knowing good and well how it destroyed his own life. I lost custody of my son after that and started getting arrested. I am not blaming all of it on him but he absolutely played a huge role.
But now, after I made the decision to leave him and get clean and start my life over and pick up the pieces of the mess we had made, he gets to pretty much make the decision on whether or not I be a full time mom to my daughter. I am under the impression that he is now clean himself and I am so glad and happy that he is stepping up for Cadence because she does love her daddy very much. But it just doesn’t seem fair. If we lived in the same city and I was able to be involved in her everyday life I might feel differently but he lives right next door and gets to go to daddy daughter dances and softball games and dance recitals. And I am jealous.
When I first got clean and was working a full time job D*** told me that my daughter would be back with me before she started kindergarten. I held on to that for a year. Then she registered her to the school down there. 5 hours away. My daughter was so excited. I felt like I’d be taking something away from her. I felt stuck and confused and hurt and depressed. That called for a drink!