This past week has been one of the hardest for me mentally in quite a while. There were two days were I could not get myself off the couch. As I have mentioned in earlier posts my husband and I have been trying to conceive for right around a year now but no success. We have tried fertility meds with timed intercourse (if that in itself wouldn’t put a thousand pounds of stress on a relationship I don’t know what would); we have tried two IUI’s and we had recently put down a $500 deposit to start IVF treatments in January.
Also, as I have mentioned my marriage has been rocky lately. And I know that is normal with the stress of all the added hormones(I’m sure I made things a lot harder at times) but it had gotten to the point where we just did not have any emotional connection at all. Granted my husband isn’t an “emotional guy” but I have needed that sacrifice from time to time. On top of the hormones, the countless monthly negative pregnancy tests, the strictly business sex, the non existent intimacy in our relationship, and our constant trying to grab for the kids we already have but aren’t here with us full time( as if all of this is not enough) I got some devastating news. I have Hepatitis C.
That means no IVF. I was so excited to finally be able to have a very high chance of becoming pregnant. Now I don’t know if it will ever happen. I have tried to refrain from obsessing on the internet, but the things that I have read is that it does damage to the ovaries. I also have the guilt of possibly having had the virus during my last two pregnancies. The doctor said it was slim to none that I passed it along to my children but I can try and get their labs from the hospital. It’s really scary to me that I have been walking around with this for years and never knew. All of the blood work that I have had done with fertility doctors and nothing has shown up. Going through two full term pregnancies with the doctors being well aware of my drug abuse history and still nothing. I have contacted the hospital where my daughter was born and they said I’d have to come in and sign a paper and show my ID and I could get a copy of all her labs when she was born. As far as my youngest son it might be a little trickier. I have not seen him since he was a little over one year old and I’m not sure they will give me his paper work at the hospital. If not, then that means contacting the couple that adopted him and telling them my news and that he needs to be tested. How fun!
My doctor’s office is supposed to be getting in contact with me in the next few days with an appointment with the Hepatitis C clinic so I can start treatment. The treatment will last around 12 weeks. I am nervous but I am ready to start it and get it over with.
I know God has a plan in all of this. I know He will not let all of this pain be for nothing. I am really very lucky to have found out now rather than when I am older and developed Cirrhosis or liver cancer. And this Hepatitis testing panel was done on a whim. Me and my husband where just talking one day and the subject came up about all the times in both of our past that we could have possibly been exposed to it and we both got paranoid and made appointments. His was negative though.
I don’t know guys. This has just been one hell of a year for everybody for different reasons. God’s up there orchestrating something big though. And I can’t wait to see it.