Alright, so I know that I am not the only one who is “having a hard time” right now. I mean I know there are definitely people out there that have it WAY worse than me and I have a TON of things to be grateful for. I acknowledge that. But why on earth do I have such a damn hard time with being happy? It’s like I have to put so much effort into not being miserable. And that is absolutely frustrating the shit out of me. I have noticed that I’ll have a good few hours out of the day when I am thinking “Damn, I feel pretty damn good about life right now.” And then it’s like a dive off a cliff. The SMALLEST thing pierces my soul and stabs my heart and I just started crying. And ya’ll this hasn’t been no just a little tear drop here and there it has been full on episodes.
This is the first month of not pumping my body with hormones so maybe it will pass. I just feel like I’m not being the best version of myself. I constantly feel like a part of me is missing. And I can pinpoint that to not have custody of any of my children, but why haven’t I just accepted that by now? That is a consequence of my actions and no matter how much I thought that I would have them all with me by this time God has seen otherwise. I know I have to get rid of all the guilt and just concentrate on the role I do have in the two out of three but damn that is so hard to do. Don’t get me wrong I can go a stretch of time with being on the acceptance wagon with it but then there are times when it just takes all control. But then sometimes I sit back and think if I had all of them full time and was the mother I’d dreamed of being would it be enough? Honestly, probably not. I feel like I would still have a hole inside. And I put all this pressure on my husband to fill that gaping hole. 24/7. HELLO!! I NEED YOUR ATTENTION. ALL OF IT. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING ABOUT ME AND HOW TO MAKE ME HAPPY EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY! That is absolutely crazy.
I have experienced freedom and I long for that feeling again so bad. I just feel like I am at a standstill in my life right now. Last night I was thinking “I have got to learn to accept my life the way that it is right now and find a way to be happy with what I’ve got right now” . And that is exhausting. I’ve thought about maybe drinking a little bit but don’t ever go through with it because I hate that feeling the next morning. Not to mention the knock down drag out fight me and my husband would get in if I was honest with him about doing it. I’ve also thought how nice it would be to have some pills. Downers to help me block out this shit mental attitude I’ve got and the uppers to take care of all my daily duties. But I don’t go through with that either because I don’t want to go back to sleeping in my car or in abandon houses again. So I’ve just settled for Claritin-D in the mornings and Benedryl at night. Bad idea for an addict but it is what it is. (I took the last Claritin this morning).
Anywho, I also know that “This too shall pass” . I will be happy again one day. I just need to figure out how to maintain in the meantime.