I wasn’t planning on writing anything tonight, but reading everyone else’s posts got me motivated! I think everyone else is with me on feeling a sense of relief now that 2020 is finally over! I know that just because we have began a new year doesn’t mean that all the mess from last year will magically disappear, but it can be a fresh start! This last month has been especially tough for me personally, but at the same time has gotten me into this weird place of neutrality. I guess I have come to really accept the things I can not change. Or at least truly start the process. Don’t get me wrong I have definitely had some little flare ups here and there but they do not last as near as long.
I have really started looking at how I am constantly reaching for something to make me happy. And I can get whatever it is that I am reaching for at the time and then think I either need more of that or something else. So I am learning how to look within myself for happiness and also learning to lean on God and spend more time getting to know Him than just shooting a half hearted prayer up every now and then. (But some days that is all I can muster up)
As it is for a lot of people, the holidays are usually pretty tough emotionally for myself. I have this picture in my mind how I want things to go and it is just not in my reality. In my mind I picture all of my kids, myself, my husband and my parents getting together and exchanging gifts and eating together. LOL! First of all my husband hates my parents. And I am pretty sure my parents hate me currently.
This is what it actually looked like. Alighty, so I find out I have Hepatitis. First crushing blow. My husband is telling me “It’s going to be ok….we will get through this…blah blah blah” But I notice things he is doing that maybe he doesn’t. Like making sure he doesn’t drink after me. (You can’t pass it that way BTW) and absolutely lashing out at me over stupid things like putting his lunch in a bag instead of lunchbox. And he woke up in the middle of the night and punched me in the back and had no recollection of it when I asked the next morning. So come to find out he had some pent up anger towards me that he was in denial of. When I finally point blank asked what the hell was going on he said it was hard for him to remember at times that I am not the same person I was in my past and he has to make himself remember I am not her anymore. I can accept that. And once we brought it to light and acknowledged it we were able to move passed it.
Then we make plans to get my nephew from Indiana for his 2 week Christmas vacation. Now there is a whole other story that goes along with this but short version is my brother and his ex-wife got divorced..she moved to Indiana…my brother continued to stay strung out and is couch surfing so he has no way to have “his time” with his son and he can’t be alone with him. My nephew has always been close to me for some reason and he loves coming to our house and him and my husband just clicked and have a bond. My mom gets offended because she wanted to have him at her house…blah blah blah…I try to take my nephew to see his dad a couple of times..doesn’t show up. Then on Christmas my brother asked if R** could call him. R** said he didn’t want to and my brother loses his shit all over me and starts blaming me and my husband for brainwashing R**. It was terrible. My Christmas Day was spent arguing back and forth with my brother whom I was very close to growing up.
THEN. my son A**** wants to come spend the night at my house the day after Christmas and I find damn weed in his bag. And I have no say so in his life. I’ve called DHR once before on my parents (hence why they hate me) and nothing came of it. I called them again and they basically told me that if my parents weren’t giving it to him or condoning him doing it then there was really nothing they could do.
So!!! Needless to say my brain was fucked for a few days. I literally couldn’t even talk the whole night after I confronted him. I completely just zoned out. It was like my brain was short circuiting. A few days after that I just started letting it all go. If I have no power over it and I seriously can not change it I am not worrying about it. Now that doesn’t really sound that easy but I make myself not think about certain things. I have just started blocking them out so to speak and focusing on the things that I have right in front of me for the moment that I can control. And focus on the good things.
I have started a gratitude journal and am trying to make a gratitude list every night before I go to bed. I pray that God speaks to my son somehow because like I told him (and of course he wouldn’t hear any of it) he has the addiction gene from both sides. But when I feel like I am getting anxious and start grabbing for things that I can not have I try and step back and ask myself “Is there anything I can do to change this situation?” If the answer is no then I say the serenity prayer and I direct my attention on something that brings me joy until I know that I won’t obsess over trying to get what I want from that person or situation.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!