I have not posted anything in about a month. I have really been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t get bogged down with all that’s wrong with the world. I’ve recently dedicated 5 mornings a week to going to the gym. It has made such a difference in my energy level and has also made a positive impact on my mental well being.
I’d like to pick up where I left off with Continuing the Journey. So R** continued to stay with me and really did try and help me the best way he knew how. I never openly used in front of him but he knew when I was messed up and it really affected him. He would actually get so upset sometimes he would have seizures. After my stay at that “detox” he would drive me to my NA meetings almost every evening. He also urged me to attend IOP 5 days a week. And I went and participated and actually placed myself on a waiting list for an inpatient rehab. I was doing all of this for him and for my family. To put on that mask like I was really trying but in all honesty I was still using. Everyday. When the bed became available at Pearson Hall in Birmingham, AL I felt a since of relief. I was scared to death but thought I might actually get cured. I had no idea what I was walking into.
This place was on such a strict schedule. We had to get up every morning and make our beds and eat breakfast together. Then there was lectures and classes and therapy sessions. And there was no way that I saw to sneak anything in so I actually dried out that time. I remember my first week sort of being hazy because of the detox medicine. Then I was able to make my first phone call and I of course called R** and expected him to be so happy to hear from me and tell me how proud he was of me and how everything was going to be just great when I got back. Wrong. He told me how terrible all of this had affected him. How he hardly hadn’t left his house. And my phone time ended with him having a seizure on the phone. I felt lower than low. I did try to “get better” while I was there.
I do remember my dad coming to visit me and he brought A**** and that helped me focus even more. I was released around Thanksgiving of 2010. My dad came to pick me up and my family had a huge welcoming home party for me. I continued to go to meetings and actually got a sponsor. We met a few times and I did some step work. But I didn’t stay clean. I think the first time I took something was when A***** got sick and the doctor wrote him a prescription for some cough medicine and I gave him a couple of doses then took the rest. Then a couple of months later I started dipping back into my mom’s Ativan. I did it one night out of the blue. Just out of boredom. I waited until everyone was in bed before I took it so there was no chance of anyone noticing anything. Then I went about my business for a while. And then we got snowed in at my mom’s and shit hit the fan.
We had had a nice little family evening together. Mom, dad, me, A*****, and my little brother N***. We all came home and was settling in for some bad weather. R** came over to visit before it got bad and ended up getting stuck there because the roads were closed. Well my mom didn’t like that very much for whatever reason. He had spent several nights there before. Either way. R** and I had taken A***** outside to play in the snow and all of a sudden we hear screaming and a loud crash coming from inside. And we just froze and stared at each other. Then my mother comes flying out of the front door and says “Amanda if you don’t come in here and do something I am calling the cops!” I could not even imagine what might have happened. We had such a good day.
I go inside to check things out. Mom had locked herself in her room. Dad is sitting in front of the TV zoned out and Nick is hysterical. I asked dad what was going on and he responded with “Same ol shit”. So I asked N*** and he was crying and yelling saying dad choked him. I was not understanding what led up to all of this. Later after everyone had calmed down I pieced it together. N*** had recently went through his first breakup and he did not like that fact that mom was still communicating with the girl. (Understandably so) either way he told mom to stop talking to her and got a little disrespectful with her and mom asked dad if “he was just going to let N*** talk to her like that” I think N*** and mom were yelling at each other and he might have started to get in mom’s face and dad pushed him on the bed and held his shoulders down. Well, mom and N*** being the dramatic duo that they are went ape shit like my dad was beating him and apparently mom jumped on dad’s back and when he stood up she fell off his back. So now he beat mom.
All of this has happened and now we are all snowed in together. R** and I get N*** and A***** upstairs with us and we just hang out and let things die down. Mom will not let it. She starts texting and calling me from downstairs about being disrespected and lied to by R** for staying the night.
Things are tense for days. I take more Ativan. The night that R** is having his big art show. And I could not hold it together. Everybody knows. He didn’t even get all the way down the road with me and turned my little ass right back around and took me home. My parents ask if he could still take A**** with him while they jump my ass. I of course was not hearing any of it. That’s the night that my dad told me I needed to call my sister and see if me and A**** could come stay with her. R** was all for that. I called her the next day and explained I had relapsed and would her and her husband consider me and A**** living with them for a while until I could get on my feet and find a place. She told me she would talk it over with him and get back with me.
They agreed that I could come but there would be rules. I didn’t hesitate I packed mine and A*****’s shit, checked him out of school and we went to stay with R** until they were ready for us to come. I had two job interviews lined up and ready for when I came. I was going to start over. I was going to grow up and give A**** the life that I had always dreamed of giving him. Little did I know I was about to take my addiction to the next level.