Snowed In

I have not posted anything in about a month. I have really been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t get bogged down with all that’s wrong with the world. I’ve recently dedicated 5 mornings a week to going to the gym. It has made such a difference in my energy level and has also made a positive impact on my mental well being.

I’d like to pick up where I left off with Continuing the Journey. So R** continued to stay with me and really did try and help me the best way he knew how. I never openly used in front of him but he knew when I was messed up and it really affected him. He would actually get so upset sometimes he would have seizures. After my stay at that “detox” he would drive me to my NA meetings almost every evening. He also urged me to attend IOP 5 days a week. And I went and participated and actually placed myself on a waiting list for an inpatient rehab. I was doing all of this for him and for my family. To put on that mask like I was really trying but in all honesty I was still using. Everyday. When the bed became available at Pearson Hall in Birmingham, AL I felt a since of relief. I was scared to death but thought I might actually get cured. I had no idea what I was walking into.

This place was on such a strict schedule. We had to get up every morning and make our beds and eat breakfast together. Then there was lectures and classes and therapy sessions. And there was no way that I saw to sneak anything in so I actually dried out that time. I remember my first week sort of being hazy because of the detox medicine. Then I was able to make my first phone call and I of course called R** and expected him to be so happy to hear from me and tell me how proud he was of me and how everything was going to be just great when I got back. Wrong. He told me how terrible all of this had affected him. How he hardly hadn’t left his house. And my phone time ended with him having a seizure on the phone. I felt lower than low. I did try to “get better” while I was there.

I do remember my dad coming to visit me and he brought A**** and that helped me focus even more. I was released around Thanksgiving of 2010. My dad came to pick me up and my family had a huge welcoming home party for me. I continued to go to meetings and actually got a sponsor. We met a few times and I did some step work. But I didn’t stay clean. I think the first time I took something was when A***** got sick and the doctor wrote him a prescription for some cough medicine and I gave him a couple of doses then took the rest. Then a couple of months later I started dipping back into my mom’s Ativan. I did it one night out of the blue. Just out of boredom. I waited until everyone was in bed before I took it so there was no chance of anyone noticing anything. Then I went about my business for a while. And then we got snowed in at my mom’s and shit hit the fan.

We had had a nice little family evening together. Mom, dad, me, A*****, and my little brother N***. We all came home and was settling in for some bad weather. R** came over to visit before it got bad and ended up getting stuck there because the roads were closed. Well my mom didn’t like that very much for whatever reason. He had spent several nights there before. Either way. R** and I had taken A***** outside to play in the snow and all of a sudden we hear screaming and a loud crash coming from inside. And we just froze and stared at each other. Then my mother comes flying out of the front door and says “Amanda if you don’t come in here and do something I am calling the cops!” I could not even imagine what might have happened. We had such a good day.

I go inside to check things out. Mom had locked herself in her room. Dad is sitting in front of the TV zoned out and Nick is hysterical. I asked dad what was going on and he responded with “Same ol shit”. So I asked N*** and he was crying and yelling saying dad choked him. I was not understanding what led up to all of this. Later after everyone had calmed down I pieced it together. N*** had recently went through his first breakup and he did not like that fact that mom was still communicating with the girl. (Understandably so) either way he told mom to stop talking to her and got a little disrespectful with her and mom asked dad if “he was just going to let N*** talk to her like that” I think N*** and mom were yelling at each other and he might have started to get in mom’s face and dad pushed him on the bed and held his shoulders down. Well, mom and N*** being the dramatic duo that they are went ape shit like my dad was beating him and apparently mom jumped on dad’s back and when he stood up she fell off his back. So now he beat mom.

All of this has happened and now we are all snowed in together. R** and I get N*** and A***** upstairs with us and we just hang out and let things die down. Mom will not let it. She starts texting and calling me from downstairs about being disrespected and lied to by R** for staying the night.

Things are tense for days. I take more Ativan. The night that R** is having his big art show. And I could not hold it together. Everybody knows. He didn’t even get all the way down the road with me and turned my little ass right back around and took me home. My parents ask if he could still take A**** with him while they jump my ass. I of course was not hearing any of it. That’s the night that my dad told me I needed to call my sister and see if me and A**** could come stay with her. R** was all for that. I called her the next day and explained I had relapsed and would her and her husband consider me and A**** living with them for a while until I could get on my feet and find a place. She told me she would talk it over with him and get back with me.

They agreed that I could come but there would be rules. I didn’t hesitate I packed mine and A*****’s shit, checked him out of school and we went to stay with R** until they were ready for us to come. I had two job interviews lined up and ready for when I came. I was going to start over. I was going to grow up and give A**** the life that I had always dreamed of giving him. Little did I know I was about to take my addiction to the next level.

HAPPY FREAKIN NEW YEAR!!

I wasn’t planning on writing anything tonight, but reading everyone else’s posts got me motivated! I think everyone else is with me on feeling a sense of relief now that 2020 is finally over! I know that just because we have began a new year doesn’t mean that all the mess from last year will magically disappear, but it can be a fresh start! This last month has been especially tough for me personally, but at the same time has gotten me into this weird place of neutrality. I guess I have come to really accept the things I can not change. Or at least truly start the process. Don’t get me wrong I have definitely had some little flare ups here and there but they do not last as near as long.

I have really started looking at how I am constantly reaching for something to make me happy. And I can get whatever it is that I am reaching for at the time and then think I either need more of that or something else. So I am learning how to look within myself for happiness and also learning to lean on God and spend more time getting to know Him than just shooting a half hearted prayer up every now and then. (But some days that is all I can muster up)

As it is for a lot of people, the holidays are usually pretty tough emotionally for myself. I have this picture in my mind how I want things to go and it is just not in my reality. In my mind I picture all of my kids, myself, my husband and my parents getting together and exchanging gifts and eating together. LOL! First of all my husband hates my parents. And I am pretty sure my parents hate me currently.

This is what it actually looked like. Alighty, so I find out I have Hepatitis. First crushing blow. My husband is telling me “It’s going to be ok….we will get through this…blah blah blah” But I notice things he is doing that maybe he doesn’t. Like making sure he doesn’t drink after me. (You can’t pass it that way BTW) and absolutely lashing out at me over stupid things like putting his lunch in a bag instead of lunchbox. And he woke up in the middle of the night and punched me in the back and had no recollection of it when I asked the next morning. So come to find out he had some pent up anger towards me that he was in denial of. When I finally point blank asked what the hell was going on he said it was hard for him to remember at times that I am not the same person I was in my past and he has to make himself remember I am not her anymore. I can accept that. And once we brought it to light and acknowledged it we were able to move passed it.

Then we make plans to get my nephew from Indiana for his 2 week Christmas vacation. Now there is a whole other story that goes along with this but short version is my brother and his ex-wife got divorced..she moved to Indiana…my brother continued to stay strung out and is couch surfing so he has no way to have “his time” with his son and he can’t be alone with him. My nephew has always been close to me for some reason and he loves coming to our house and him and my husband just clicked and have a bond. My mom gets offended because she wanted to have him at her house…blah blah blah…I try to take my nephew to see his dad a couple of times..doesn’t show up. Then on Christmas my brother asked if R** could call him. R** said he didn’t want to and my brother loses his shit all over me and starts blaming me and my husband for brainwashing R**. It was terrible. My Christmas Day was spent arguing back and forth with my brother whom I was very close to growing up.

THEN. my son A**** wants to come spend the night at my house the day after Christmas and I find damn weed in his bag. And I have no say so in his life. I’ve called DHR once before on my parents (hence why they hate me) and nothing came of it. I called them again and they basically told me that if my parents weren’t giving it to him or condoning him doing it then there was really nothing they could do.

So!!! Needless to say my brain was fucked for a few days. I literally couldn’t even talk the whole night after I confronted him. I completely just zoned out. It was like my brain was short circuiting. A few days after that I just started letting it all go. If I have no power over it and I seriously can not change it I am not worrying about it. Now that doesn’t really sound that easy but I make myself not think about certain things. I have just started blocking them out so to speak and focusing on the things that I have right in front of me for the moment that I can control. And focus on the good things.

I have started a gratitude journal and am trying to make a gratitude list every night before I go to bed. I pray that God speaks to my son somehow because like I told him (and of course he wouldn’t hear any of it) he has the addiction gene from both sides. But when I feel like I am getting anxious and start grabbing for things that I can not have I try and step back and ask myself “Is there anything I can do to change this situation?” If the answer is no then I say the serenity prayer and I direct my attention on something that brings me joy until I know that I won’t obsess over trying to get what I want from that person or situation.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Emotionally Un-sober

See the source image

Alright, so I know that I am not the only one who is “having a hard time” right now. I mean I know there are definitely people out there that have it WAY worse than me and I have a TON of things to be grateful for. I acknowledge that. But why on earth do I have such a damn hard time with being happy? It’s like I have to put so much effort into not being miserable. And that is absolutely frustrating the shit out of me. I have noticed that I’ll have a good few hours out of the day when I am thinking “Damn, I feel pretty damn good about life right now.” And then it’s like a dive off a cliff. The SMALLEST thing pierces my soul and stabs my heart and I just started crying. And ya’ll this hasn’t been no just a little tear drop here and there it has been full on episodes.

This is the first month of not pumping my body with hormones so maybe it will pass. I just feel like I’m not being the best version of myself. I constantly feel like a part of me is missing. And I can pinpoint that to not have custody of any of my children, but why haven’t I just accepted that by now? That is a consequence of my actions and no matter how much I thought that I would have them all with me by this time God has seen otherwise. I know I have to get rid of all the guilt and just concentrate on the role I do have in the two out of three but damn that is so hard to do. Don’t get me wrong I can go a stretch of time with being on the acceptance wagon with it but then there are times when it just takes all control. But then sometimes I sit back and think if I had all of them full time and was the mother I’d dreamed of being would it be enough? Honestly, probably not. I feel like I would still have a hole inside. And I put all this pressure on my husband to fill that gaping hole. 24/7. HELLO!! I NEED YOUR ATTENTION. ALL OF IT. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING ABOUT ME AND HOW TO MAKE ME HAPPY EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY! That is absolutely crazy.

I have experienced freedom and I long for that feeling again so bad. I just feel like I am at a standstill in my life right now. Last night I was thinking “I have got to learn to accept my life the way that it is right now and find a way to be happy with what I’ve got right now” . And that is exhausting. I’ve thought about maybe drinking a little bit but don’t ever go through with it because I hate that feeling the next morning. Not to mention the knock down drag out fight me and my husband would get in if I was honest with him about doing it. I’ve also thought how nice it would be to have some pills. Downers to help me block out this shit mental attitude I’ve got and the uppers to take care of all my daily duties. But I don’t go through with that either because I don’t want to go back to sleeping in my car or in abandon houses again. So I’ve just settled for Claritin-D in the mornings and Benedryl at night. Bad idea for an addict but it is what it is. (I took the last Claritin this morning).

Anywho, I also know that “This too shall pass” . I will be happy again one day. I just need to figure out how to maintain in the meantime.

One Thing After Another

This past week has been one of the hardest for me mentally in quite a while. There were two days were I could not get myself off the couch. As I have mentioned in earlier posts my husband and I have been trying to conceive for right around a year now but no success. We have tried fertility meds with timed intercourse (if that in itself wouldn’t put a thousand pounds of stress on a relationship I don’t know what would); we have tried two IUI’s and we had recently put down a $500 deposit to start IVF treatments in January.

Also, as I have mentioned my marriage has been rocky lately. And I know that is normal with the stress of all the added hormones(I’m sure I made things a lot harder at times) but it had gotten to the point where we just did not have any emotional connection at all. Granted my husband isn’t an “emotional guy” but I have needed that sacrifice from time to time. On top of the hormones, the countless monthly negative pregnancy tests, the strictly business sex, the non existent intimacy in our relationship, and our constant trying to grab for the kids we already have but aren’t here with us full time( as if all of this is not enough) I got some devastating news. I have Hepatitis C.

That means no IVF. I was so excited to finally be able to have a very high chance of becoming pregnant. Now I don’t know if it will ever happen. I have tried to refrain from obsessing on the internet, but the things that I have read is that it does damage to the ovaries. I also have the guilt of possibly having had the virus during my last two pregnancies. The doctor said it was slim to none that I passed it along to my children but I can try and get their labs from the hospital. It’s really scary to me that I have been walking around with this for years and never knew. All of the blood work that I have had done with fertility doctors and nothing has shown up. Going through two full term pregnancies with the doctors being well aware of my drug abuse history and still nothing. I have contacted the hospital where my daughter was born and they said I’d have to come in and sign a paper and show my ID and I could get a copy of all her labs when she was born. As far as my youngest son it might be a little trickier. I have not seen him since he was a little over one year old and I’m not sure they will give me his paper work at the hospital. If not, then that means contacting the couple that adopted him and telling them my news and that he needs to be tested. How fun!

My doctor’s office is supposed to be getting in contact with me in the next few days with an appointment with the Hepatitis C clinic so I can start treatment. The treatment will last around 12 weeks. I am nervous but I am ready to start it and get it over with.

I know God has a plan in all of this. I know He will not let all of this pain be for nothing. I am really very lucky to have found out now rather than when I am older and developed Cirrhosis or liver cancer. And this Hepatitis testing panel was done on a whim. Me and my husband where just talking one day and the subject came up about all the times in both of our past that we could have possibly been exposed to it and we both got paranoid and made appointments. His was negative though.

I don’t know guys. This has just been one hell of a year for everybody for different reasons. God’s up there orchestrating something big though. And I can’t wait to see it.

Continuing The Journey

Hey guys! I am still super new to blogging and doing research on it so I am not really great at it just yet.. I am sure my posts seem all over the place! Haha! Which is pretty accurate to me personally so it’s fine. Today I will be picking up where I left off with Battling Sobriety.

After my first stay in detox not much changed. I started right back where I left off but probably even worse. I had met my new neighbor right before I checked in to detox and found out she liked to escape her reality just like I did. So, when I got back we started trading pills with each other and smoking weed together. I was really miserable with W**** and at one point remember telling my sister-in-law that I would just have to live a double life. I couldn’t leave Wiley because of my son but I had to have some sort of happiness.

I ended up telling him that I could not picture myself staying with him and being sober. That I had to be messed up to be around him. Burn. He lost it. I remember getting my son and telling him we where having a sleep over next door. W**** started getting his friend to call me threatening he was about to shoot himself. I could not go back.

I vaguely remember going to the courthouse with W**** to file for a divorce and meeting with a lawyer and finding out that since it had only been 2 months we could have it annulled. So we did.

Me and my son moved back in with my parents and Lord have mercy that was a train wreck. I tried talking with my mom about everything but when I told her that W**** had started being physical her response was “Well I’m sure you did something to deserve it.” So that ended me trying to connect with my mom on that level.

As soon as my sister-in-law found out I had left Wiley she immediately tried to get me to meet one of her friends. I held off for about a week. LOL.

We started talking on MySpace I think. Or Facebook. I can’t remember and then he asked me out on a date. And I honestly do not remember one thing about that night. I want to say we went to Olive Garden but I do not remember conversations or any other details. But it must have went well because he asked me out again. Bless his heart. Our entire relationship was a blur. I want to say the 2nd date I ended up passing out from mixing Benzos and alcohol and I woke up at his house. He had driven me and my son whom he had just met to his house and let me sleep while he took care of a kid he didn’t know….

This guy was anti drug anti alcohol anti everything like that. But it did not take long for him to figure out that I was pro everything like that. He stuck with me though. He tried everyway he knew how to fix me. He even talked me into moving 5 hours away! LOL. He really wanted to get rid of me!

During our 5 month relationship he stayed with me through my second round of detox and my first stay at an inpatient rehab.

That second detox was a lot different than the first. The first one they just kept me knocked out and flushed my system out. The second one had groups where you had to interact with other people. Not my cup of tea. During my stay I snuck a 45 year old man in my room ( I was 19 at the time) and I faked 2 panic attacks to try and get the nurses to get me something. I got a crack head Leukemia patient to give me her pain meds and snorted some Valium that a new patient had snuck in. Needless to say I did not detox from anything.

The day my parents picked me up they took me out to eat and I ordered a margarita that my mom vouched for me and my dad was against. Then I got them to drop me off at my old neighbor’s house (yes right next door to my ex) so we could smoke weed. Basically that trip to the detox was pointless. I never even agreed to go I got dropped off there on one of my binges.

I had driven my son to school in pretty much a black out that morning. I was hitting stuff on the side of the road (like people’s mailboxes). I am so lucky that I did not hurt my son or get pulled over. God definitely had His angels in that car ride. I apparently was texting R** and it was just a bunch of numbers and letters. I got scared and called my mom. She said I came home with my front bumper hanging off and my passenger mirror gone. And that I walked inside and passed out on the couch.

She called my dad home from work and we apparently had a little intervention. I remember me and him going on a ride but I’m in and out of consciousness. When I woke up I was in a hospital room with someone going through a bag of mine. I said “Where am I?” They said “You’re in detox..in Demopolis.” I had no clue where I was …

New Resentments

Working through the hurt

I had to take that long, emotional drive to take my daughter back this past Saturday. My husband told me yesterday “You’re handling it a lot better than usual.” It pissed me off when he said that because like I talked about in a recent post “Putting Back Up The Emotional Blocks” I am in the middle of weening myself off of my dependency of my husband. He thinks I am “handling it a lot better than usual” when really I am just not talking about it. I’ve formed some new resentments through all this. One being towards my daughter’s aunt. She is the one that has custody of my daughter. I worked the amends step on her when I was into AA and thought I’d gotten over it. But as time as went on and I have yet to have custody back of my daughter the resentment has resurfaced.

This morning when I was facetiming with my daughter before she left for school she called her aunt “mom”. She actually started calling her mom when she was in pre-school and me and D*** talked about it and she reassured me that she was correcting her when she would say it. Well, two years later and she is still allowing it. It was something I had come to just accept when she was smaller, with the mindset of “It’s just a name….She’s confused….She’s so young she will grow out of it.” My daughter will be 8 in February. If she hasn’t stopped doing it by now it’s stuck. Anyways, I heard D*** correct her this morning and I thought “You are only fucking saying that because I am on the phone.”

Now I will say that D*** has never told me no whenever I have asked to get my daughter for a visit. There have a couple of misunderstandings about the dates but she allows me to come get her whenever I ask. And I also get to talk to her everyday. A lawyer that I’ve met with told me that is a lot compared to some of his clients. And if I pushed anything more I might be hit with back child support. Either way, I was explaining that to bring up this next thing. She doesn’t know if she is going to allow her to come back up while she is out for Christmas break. I did not ask for Christmas Day since I had her last year. But I did ask for the day after Christmas until she goes back to school. D***’s response was “I’ll have to talk with Tim about that.” Tim is my daughter’s dad and D***’s brother.

It really is not fair. This man was a terrible person when we were together. He introduced me to IV drug use and would take me to sleep with old men to get drugs. Now I know that I had a voice and could have said no but he is still a piece of shit in my eyes for sticking that needle in my arm the first time knowing good and well how it destroyed his own life. I lost custody of my son after that and started getting arrested. I am not blaming all of it on him but he absolutely played a huge role.

But now, after I made the decision to leave him and get clean and start my life over and pick up the pieces of the mess we had made, he gets to pretty much make the decision on whether or not I be a full time mom to my daughter. I am under the impression that he is now clean himself and I am so glad and happy that he is stepping up for Cadence because she does love her daddy very much. But it just doesn’t seem fair. If we lived in the same city and I was able to be involved in her everyday life I might feel differently but he lives right next door and gets to go to daddy daughter dances and softball games and dance recitals. And I am jealous.

When I first got clean and was working a full time job D*** told me that my daughter would be back with me before she started kindergarten. I held on to that for a year. Then she registered her to the school down there. 5 hours away. My daughter was so excited. I felt like I’d be taking something away from her. I felt stuck and confused and hurt and depressed. That called for a drink!

Gratitude

I know how cliche it is to write about being thankful on this day. But I have not posted anything so far about how great my life is today compared to how it used to be. I’ve shared a little bit about the beginning of my journey but have not even got to the tip of the ice burg yet. I really went down through there and will go in to detail later. I did things that made me lose custody of all of my kids and absolutely continues to have an impact on my day to day mental well-being.

Despite the fact that I have lost precious things in my life I have also gained in other areas. I no longer wake up every morning pissed off that I am still alive. Today I wake up with a purpose and responsibility. I live in a house today versus a camper filled with so much garbage I can hear the rats crawling around at night. I have hot water. I have toilet paper! I have clean clothes and my pantry is never bare. I have a vehicle and a valid driver’s license! I have held a job for over a year; whereas before I couldn’t even get hired anywhere because I was truly unemployable.

More than any of these material things I have a renewed mind. Today I know that I can go through heartbreaks and rough patches and I do not have to run to a substances to stay alive. I never thought that would be possible. I had a reason to pop pills or to drink for everything. I had to use these uppers because it gave me motivation to study for school. I had to take these downers because I was having anxiety about all the responsibilities that were piling up due to me procrastinating. I had to drink just one more drink to get me to the point of not caring about anything for just a little bit. I had to smoke this bowl to laugh and be happy. I know so much different today.

I have walked through an adoption trial with my youngest and lost the fight without popping a pill. I have learned how to become a dependable wife without sneaking and chugging a beer in the backroom. I have formed a relationship with God and am continually making steps on growing closer to Him. I used to get so angry wondering why I was dealt the cards of having to battle addiction and then sobering up just to fall back down again. Today I know I had to go through all of that so I could get the experience to help the sick and suffering and to offer a helping hand.

Truly a blessing. My husband and I did all of this ourselves. First time having Thanksgiving at our house. Just us and our girls. (Don’t be jealous of all our fine china! LOL)

Battling Sobriety

Just the Beginning of Learning How to Live Without Substances

I’d like to sort of pick up where I left off with my post Struggling. I gave birth to my oldest son two months before my 17th birthday. He was the center of my universe. Everything I did was for him. I went to school and had a small (very small) paying job that went towards things for he needed. I very rarely asked my parents for help. I was going to prove the world wrong. But then I started getting lonely. Everyone at school was going out on the weekends and living life and I was jealous. So I started living a sort of double life.

During the day I was amazing teen mom! Went to school, went to work, came home took care of my baby, did my homework. But then when mom, dad, and siblings went to bed I had me time. I started snorting pills again. I needed that relaxation and escape from my reality. To block out everything my mind was screaming so I could get up the next morning and be responsible. Nobody noticed anything different because I was that determined and had that much motivation then.

And I was content with my life like that. I had goals I was working towards as far as a future for me and my son. I just needed that quite time at night to my self to recoup from the day. Then I was asked on a date from a guy at school that I had zero interest in. My friend talked me into saying yes and I actually had a pretty decent time. I won’t say there was an immediate connection but any type of one on one intimacy was fine with me at that point. Before my son I was having physical contact pretty much on a daily basis and then just stopped. I had “hooked up” with this one guy a few times after recovering from the C-section but started cut him off when he would leave me and go straight to another girl.

The guy didn’t touch me on that first date and I was so confused. He was respectful and accepting of me having a child. I wasn’t sure what to expect but he invited me and my son to eat a few days later and then over to his parents house to watch a movie. Well before you know it me and my son are either spending the night there or W**** is staying the night at my parents. I honestly did not really like the guy. But him and my son had an immediate connection and I had someone to be with me 24/7 so I was not alone. I felt stuck. That made for more pills!

I started college and didn’t do so great my first year. I failed a couple of my classes. I believe this was around the time I discovered Codeine. I was prescribed some medicine for my migraines that had it mixed in with some other things. Wow. I could take those during the day to give me energy to keep up with my duties for the day (and be happy while doing them) and take my downers at night to escape from my new level of unhappiness! I have found the answer!

Obviously it didn’t take long for it to be a noticeable problem. So the fights and arguments started between me and W*****. We even broke up for a brief few weeks when he found out I had cheated on him with one of my brother’s friends. I had also escalated to smoking weed on a regular basis and drinking occasionally. I would tell W***** he had to leave at night because I needed to study. Which was true but I always took a break to smoke with my brother and one night W***** was driving around my house and caught me. Red handed. That pushed me away and right into the bed with my brother’s friend.

And for those few weeks I tried so hard to get that guy to love me and be with me 24/7 like W**** and he just wouldn’t . He would come over at night sometimes but on the nights that he wouldn’t I would chase him. I made excuses for me and my son to stay at his house. And he eventually just straight up started ignoring me. So I went back to W****. And was absolutely miserable. I had to numb myself constantly. I had to stay with him because my son needed him in his life. His biological father never was involved and W****, as bad as I hated to admit it, stepped up and became a father at 19 years old to a child that he did not help conceive. So I was going to make it work with him for the sake of my son. I owed that to him.

W**** asked me to marry him a few months after we got back together and I had to say yes. I did not want a wedding but he did. So we planned a huge one. We bought a house and my and my son moved in a couple of months before the wedding. And that’s when things got really bad. We were fighting and arguing ALL the time. Then things started getting physical. I can remember the first time W**** put his hands on me. I had made him so paranoid about running off and cheating on him and doing drugs that he did not want me to leave the house. One day when he was leaving for work I was leaving for my parents to do laundry and he told me I couldn’t leave. I put my son and our laundry in the car and W**** stuck his arm in the car window as I was pulling out and slapped me. In front of my son. I was in shock. He was in shock that he had done it. We just stared at each other as I continued to drive away. I didn’t tell anyone and we didn’t talk about it. But it just progressed from there.

There were never any times where he just straight up used a closed fist and gave me black eyes but there was a lot of pushing and grabbing and choking and bruises. A few times he just would not stop yelling and cornering me so me and my son would walk next door and spend the night with the neighbor.

This all started before we even went through with the wedding. My dad was coming over several times a week while W**** was gone to work trying to convince me to just come back home. Things were bad. I was obviously unhappy. I had bruises all over my arms and legs. W**** was super controlling and obsessive. My sister was crying to me begging me not to go through with the wedding. They knew I was depressed and not in love. I started on anti depressants. And they just made me more out of it. I ended up in the hospital with alcohol poising at one point. Then W****’s mom talked me into entering a detox program at the hospital where she worked and I agreed. Thus started my long, hard journey at battling sobriety.

Putting Back Up the Emotional Blocks

I have been going through a period in my life where I continue to put expectations on my husband that have failed me every single time. I am a very emotionally immature woman. I understand that. I am very needy. I understand that too. But on top of those already known facts is the added hormones I have been dealing with for the infertility treatments I have been undergoing. (more on that at a later time)

I know that it is not a very masculine characteristic to be “emotional” and me and my husband have had the conversation multiple times about him not being the emotional type. So where does that leave me? I realize how this can come off as me just being a big ol’ tit but when I go through these periods they are very real to me. That’s why it has been so difficult for me to just use the excuse “it’s the hormones”.

So after this past month when I have sought emotional stability from my spouse and did not get what I thought was a proper response, little by little I have started placing blocks back into that emotional wall I kept around me for most of my life. While I realize this could be unhealthy for myself individually and also for my relationship I can’t help but feel it is almost a necessity at the moment since I am having such a hard time managing my emotions.

The smallest thing can make me feel like my heart is physically breaking and my world is crumbling. But a few hours later I am laughing at the stupidest things. I feel like if I can bite my tongue in the heat of the moment and not blurt out what my baby feelings are screaming then it could save a lot of tension in the long run.

Don’t get me wrong my marriage is not a vail of tears and I do realize that there is definitely a long list of issues I need to work on. This is a big reason that I thought of starting this blog. I know I am not the only one that goes through rough patches in recovery. Shout out to all my emotionally unstable friends! But in the middle of the rough patch is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there. I’ve been in this tunnel plenty of times before and couldn’t even focus long enough to see the light, but it’s always there.

A few things that have helped me in the past that I know will help today if I am willing to put in the footwork: MAKING A GRATITUDE LIST(ie. living in a house versus a camper….not being strung out…..being employable), CALLING SOMEONE AND ASKING ABOUT THEIR DAY (AND NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE), CLEANING HOUSE (LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY) AND NOW READING BLOGS ABOUT RECOVERY.

Sometimes it is necessary to just sit with the emotion and letting it run it’s course without allowing it to attach. I hope this will be helpful to someone.

If you can relate like or comment.

Struggling

Battling addictions I didn’t realize I had

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you looked around and thought “What the hell am I doing?” I feel like I asked myself that question for years. I started out as a pre-teen feeling very insecure and just uncomfortable in my skin. I was 13 years old when I started using things outside of myself to help me feel “ok”. I wasn’t “depressed”. Just always feeling that there was something “over there”.

I met my oldest son’s dad when I was in 8th grade. He was a known pot head and was currently in alternative school for fighting. Sign me up! I always had a desire to try drugs and alcohol but was never around anyone that did either one. I was introduced to J**** through my cousin whom was dating my best friend at the time. At first I was not allowed to talk to him but after continually asking if he could come over for a double date movie night, mom eventually just gave in.

Not long after that night he began sneaking over after everyone was in the bed and it didn’t take long for us to start having sex. I instantly became addicted and it became an almost every night thing. Obviously, we were going to be together forever because sex equals love. Right?

Not long after the sex came the pills. I knew he had done drugs and he knew I had not but that I wanted to try. I stole some Xanax from my aunt and the next time he came over we did it together. “MHHMMM. This is the feeling I have been searching for.” I had arrived. I could relax. My shoulders instantly unclenched from beside my ears, I could take a nice, long, deep breath. And nothing mattered.

So, this was the beginning of my journey. Pill popping, sex addicted 13 year old little girl. I had no idea the choices I was making that early in my life would still have an impact on me today at 32.

I found out I was pregnant a month after my 16th birthday. By this time me and J**** were not allowed to see each other. My parents eventually had found out about the sneaking over and the drugs. (I am leaving out several details that I will get back to later) That was enough to make me stop everything. No more pills, no more pot, no more cigarettes. And I just knew that was going to be enough for J**** to grow up and save some money and support his family. Wrong. He continued to party. So that was enough for me to leave him. One of us had to get our shit together and considering I was the one carrying the child then it was up to me. So I did……for a while.

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